A Shameless Author
by Racke
Summary: Crappy dialog, stupid plot, self-insert, and blatant commercials. In that order. Challenge fic.


A Shameless Author

For the 11th MLSF Challenge: _Write a bad fic, or use a shameless self-insert._ However, it's not impossible that this one is simply too _crappy_ to qualify as bad.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

XXX

"Konata?"

"What?"

"Where does this door go?"

"Eh? T-That door? Uhh... nowhere...?"

"Yeah, like I'm going to believe that."

"Just trust me Kagamin, you _really_ don't want to know..."

"Is this where you keep all of your adult content or something?"

"No, uh, yes, I mean, which answer would keep you from opening that door?"

"Yes or no?"

"... No... But... please don't open it."

"What, did someone fill it with embarrassing stuff or something?"

"Uhh... not exactly, but kind of a little bit... just don't open the door, please? I'll owe you one, like a big one."

"... Are you asking me because you don't want me to see something, or are you asking me because it'd be dangerous?"

"Dangerous. Definitely bad for your health."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Uhh... well... you know how my dad's a writer?"

Kagami nodded uncertainly.

"Well, uhh... have you ever heard about 'fanfiction'?"

"Should I have?"

"It would've made things easier... I think... Anyways, uhh there was this sort of noise as if something threw up, only it sounded as if the _house_ had done it, and then this guy fell down from our ceiling..."

"A guy hid in your ceiling?"

"No, that's not it, he just fell from it... When we asked he looked at us and declared himself God."

"Seriously?"

"He then laughed maniacally, stole a paper and pen, and locked himself in there."

"Are you telling me that someone fell from your ceiling, locked himself inside of one of your rooms, and you didn't even try to contact the police?"

"We were about to, but for some reason, the only one who showed up was Yui, and then her husband called and she sort of flew out the door."

"Do you even know anything about this guy at all?"

"He was really, really tall. And he keeps muttering about really strange pairings."

"Pairings?"

"Uhh... that's why I said that it'd probably be kind of embarrassing..."

"Huh?"

"Well... he keeps mentioning our names... in different combinations..."

"Okay? And how does this relate to it being embarrassing?"

"Uhh... he said something about 'raising Kagami' some time ago... not really sure what he was muttering about since it's hard to hear, but... I don't think it'll be good for your health..."

"Raising Kagami...?"

"Yeah and then he kept laughing about something involving a lava lamp... it was actually pretty damn creepy to listen to..."

"Why don't you just throw him out!"

"He locked the door."

"Then bust it in or something!"

"We can't! He declared it a separate country! There are laws about these kinds of things!"

"But it's not even his _house_!"

"Didn't you listen Kagami! He declared himself _God_! There's nothing we can do to stop him!"

"You can't just declare yourself God and expect it to work!"

"But he did it in a totally awesome way!"

"Oh yeah? How?"

"He told us that he could devour an entire ice-cream-cake, as long as someone gave him a few glasses of water to down it with, and that he could slack off even more than me!"

"Doesn't that basically mean that he's a useless person who should just crawl away into some corner to rot away and die?"

The door opened with a loud bang, quickly followed by a loud someone that barely missed nailing himself in the head with the doorpost. "Uwaah! I'm in despair! This cruel tsundere's words have left me in despair!"

"Holy crap! When did he get here!"

"Oh I heard you through the door. Kind of made me curious, you know? … Wait, I forgot. Why am I in despair?"

"Uhh... because Kagami insulted you?"

"Really? Huh, imagine that... So, what do you two want?"

"Get out of Konata's house you damn freeloader!"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes!"

"Fine, fine... Oh yeah, before I go, could you read this?"

"Huh? Uhh... I guess?"

A moment of silence reigned before Kagami finally fainted from her steadily rising blush.

"Kagamin! What did you do to her!"

"I gave her something Unexpected... hehehe..."

"Kagamin! Can you hear me!"

"Oh, could I interest you In Sheep's Clothing?" He handed Konata a bundle of papers.

"Eh?" Reading through them – even though she really ought to know better, considering what happened to her predecessor – Konata remained silent for a while before asking a very innocent question, that was not at all related to her spontaneous nose-bleed.

"Uhh... just asking, really, but could you... make like... more of these?"

"It'd be my most sincere pleasure."

XXX

**A/n: Disclaimer: I sincerely doubt that any of the works read in this story will cause reactions such as is described.**

**I apologize to all who actually read this thing through to the end, and I would like to note that I blame Zokusho.**


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